3 cleansing breaths

my windows are open and there is no need for itunes, because the world is singing a song. the air is cool and the light soft. it has been raining all day, oh how i love the rain.

in my last days of summer i struggle to remember what i did for a little over two months. i don't think i can check off many things that would appear on a to do list, but i feel that much has been accomplished.

up until about the past two weeks, tracey, my mom, my dad, and occasionally tom have been preparing all of my grandma's meals and doing daily chores for her. i've spent a good amount of time in the little cluttered house next door, and i've fixed a million lean cuisine turkey and chicken dinners. i learned that when my grandma says she only wants a 1/3 a cup of peas, she really means it, because she knows what a 1/3 a cup of peas looks and feels like. she is able to get up and walk around a lot more everyday, so now i just go over to talk, or more to listen to the stories i've heard a million times (with new additions of course).

we went to tom's graduation, tracey and i went to lubbock for her orientation, i visited ty in austin, and drove tracey to see her boy in quinlan/caddo mills. i spent time with ty and his family and experienced granbury live! i went to physical therapy for three weeks for my hip, and spent lots of time in paris because we coordinated trips with tom's work outs. POWER THIRST. i sent laura long emails about my mundane life and relationship probelsm. tracey and i painted a mural on the side of our church with several people from church, and we met lynne (morris) mazing. we had slow lunch and found energy and an open mind and heart in a 71 year old catholic woman. our church also has pews for the first time now, as opposed to folding metal chairs. i've had many conference calls with usft, and become apart of something amazing. much time was spent in pray, and i feel like i have my relationship with God back, and a peace fills me. i went shopping more times that my white guilt could take, and i invested in material posseions like bike parts, "nice clothes", shoes, an awesome backpack, and a fair trade purse. i almost completely organized all my possesions, and i believe they can easily fit into my car, along with tracey's things. one day i hope to just have a backpack of belongings. i visited friends, got a terrible sunburn with rosa, and ate a homemade vegitarian enchilada dinner with friends.

but most importantly, i caught up on my sleep. and i really feel like i have this time. the first weeks i was sleeping for at least half of the day, everyday. i felt really guilty about, but my body needed it. when we started painting the mural we woke up at 7 and left the house by 7:30 because the sun hardened our paint around 10:30 every morning. ever since then i have been waking up at about 7:30 everyday, and i feel suprisingly good. i did some "self maintenance", started bathing more regularly, and paid more attention to mine and tracey's nutrition. i feel much more healthy.

the deep rooted problems in my family seemed to all surface at once, begining with my plea to travel to nicaragua for two weeks. the three hours my dad and i talked, well more that i was told why fair trade is stupid, humanitarian aid generally doesn't work, and how terrible obama is, was the longest conversation i have ever had with my father. we haven't spoken much since. my mom completely freaked out and was a nervous wreck all summer, until recently. tom also disagreed with how i was choosing to spend my time. tracey unconditionally supported me. it feels so suprisingly terrible to know that your parents don't support you. but more than the nicaragua issue, the lack of communication skills we possesed with one another became the most obvious. i feel only with time will things improve. i think it's just hard for my parents to let go, and for me to stay.

tonight we were supposed to go out to eat to celebrate my mom's birthday. my dad didn't want to go so, we didn't. tracey and i cooked the sweet potato enchiladas that tarrah so kindly made for us and my mom really liked them. she said she enjoyed it more than going out to eat, and i think she was sincere. after dinner we went on a walk to the square, in the rain, and tracey and i splashed through every puddle. it was the first time all summer that my mom and i could really speak with each other and not hurt. it was fun, and i'm glad to have had the night before i leave for a while.

cooper looks so different walking through the streets in the rain at sunset. it's so beautiful. i feel that there is a town underneath it all that is truly amazing.

i've been reading 'blood of brothers' by stephen kinzer and it is the best history book i've ever read. if you could call it that. he was a reporter in nicaragua during the revolution in the 70's and the 80's and his writing is just terrific. reading about was and so much political corruption really makes me appreciate the united states, despite all of it's flaws. i am so lucky to live here, and so thankful.

i'm leaving on wednesday for nicaragua to meet some amazing people, and i can't wait. lubbock comes the day after i return and i am so so so excited to begin a new year, in a new place, with a new attitude, with glaura, ty, tracey, old and new friends at tech in our happy little commune.

oh how i love the rain.