It frustrates me when a subject comes up that I really really want to talk about, but I feel intimidated so I don't.

Even if I don't talk, I just want to keep talking, but I don't even speak up to forward the conversation.

Because when people bring up sex, and their upbringings, and I can relate...I still hold back from saying anything because I was brought up to hold back and to not talk about sex.

*frustration*

I thought something was missing

but when I walked into our kitchen and looked around, I couldn't place it. The kitchen was unusually clean. Almonds on the floor, yes, rice from my lunch. A coffee-ground brown circle stain on the counter. I was running late with my tea this morning.
The bamboo rug was off center. I pulled the suction pads off last year, attempting to clean beneath it. Nothing new. Nothing different.
The motivational peace corps postcards hung unevenly on the wall. The bumper sticker reading "stop bitching, start a revolution" had not been peeled from the cupboard.
I glanced above the sink. Several white thumbtacks were scattered on the wall like stars.
I looked behind me, above the stove. The same constellations. The same story.

Terri...where did your prints go?

Social Justice Short Stories

Since the short story I will be writing for my thesis deals, in some ways, about social justice, I decided to google social justice short stories to see what I could find.

And here is what I found:

http://englishcompanion.ning.com/group/teachingsocialjustice/forum/topics/social-justice-texts- TERRI please look at this one! It has ideas for books to use when teaching about social justice issues.

Though I did not really find any short stories about social justice...I found that link.

And I think that is a good place to start.

CORRECTION!

I did find this:
http://www.uapress.arizona.edu/BOOKS/bid2132.htm
It is about a book called Fire and Ink: an Anthology of Social Action Writing.
When I research things like this, I feel very alive. Very alive and connected to the world. I feel as if I would just continue on this path a little longer, I would be able to see where I am being called to go.

The Wind is in you, the wind is in me

I am part of the wind. Growing up in Lubbock makes you that way. You sense a change in the seasons not by temperature, but by drops and rises in the wind. Winter is dead. The wind blows south with the birds, leaving the days clear and sunny. December through February the wind has become a breeze. The breeze is cool and reassuring. Without wind, the world would be terribly wrong. If I woke up to a still morning and opened my blinds to see the trees limp, I would think that we finally did it—we finally did something so horrible that shifted earth patterns irreversibly into a different way of life altogether. And if I stared out my window and the heavy branches of the elm tree did not move, did not lift its leaves, I would think we are not ready for this.
We are not ready to change so drastically.

This made me think about Terri's comment on how we have lost touch with our humanity:

[In regards to death], there are much worse things, you know. The destroyers: they work to see how much can be lost, how much can be forgotten. They destroy the feeling people have for each other.

-Ceremony

i forgot...

how much i enjoy being awake at night, and painting.

I am reading and critiquing Dr. Batra's upcoming manuscript and am intimidated to be offering her suggestions on her work.

everything

"Everything that is really precious is right here in our hearts. Everything is already right here."

-His Holiness the Dalai Lama

I'm not going to really put this in context. From the research I've done on Costa Rica, I've come across a few articles about prostitution. This passage stood out the most to me:

Who could ever forget that thick-lipped black woman, whose exuberance perched on a pair of temulous buttocks that gained her the nickname Black Pudding! And how to forget that corn blond woman who they called Soft-Boiled Egg? And poor Silvia, skinny and pale, surely suffering from tuberculosis? Where are they now? Maybe they're wandering around someplace begging, or are they just a little anonymous mound of earth in the cemetery for the poor, the Calvo?
(Molina, Iván, and Steven Palmer, eds. The Costa Rica Reader: History, Culture, Politics. Durham: Duke UP, 2004)

SO INSPIRED!

Reasons for a sudden inspiration:

1.I found out this morning that Seva is getting a coffee donation from from Equal Exchange for our tabling outside the sub event in October. SO we get free fair trade coffee to hand out to students!

2. I had a meeting with Dr. Verrone to discuss the URF meeting I missed last week. We talked for about 20 minutes about URF, Honors Thesis, and Contracting and then for the next 40 minutes about American Foreign policy, Che Guevara, our reasons for being in Vietnam, Lubbock school systems' stupidity at not allowing students to watch Obama's speech, Obama bringing genuine change to our nation and having one of the most transparent government administrations, how our reasons for invading countries are deciding, there being a CIA agent present when Che Guevara was executed, the "closet" liberals of the honors college...it was really cool to just talk with a faculty member about something that wasn't related to why I had scheduled the meeting. Mostly I admire how really dedicated Dr. Verrone is to his job.

3.Short-shorts just walked by.

4. Two maintenance men got drenched and started laughing about it.

5. I have inspiration and direction for my honors thesis!

6. The bike ride into tech was BEAUTIFUL! and not scary.

7. There is a possibility of an old time tunes jam session this evening

8. Love!

Conflicting Ideas/Thoughts/Feelings?

I don't think I have been listening to my music enough lately. I opened iTunes just now and was conflicted as to what to play, because there are so many songs I want to hear, and only one moment to click one.
I have felt shaky and not grounded today. I woke up before my alarm again (which I think it bad, it may not be. I think I have not necessarily healthy view points on sleep)...and I just have so many ideas.
I have two big projects that I am working on right now. One of them is my Honors Thesis which is dealing, now, with violence in Costa Rica. The other is an essay for my Gender, Race, and Nature class. I haven't come up with anything concrete yet...but I am thinking about focusing the essay on sexuality in nature in Ceremony and examining the different sex scenes in the novel, contrast them (there are three, one is violent white man/ indian woman, the other is more spiritual/natural mexican woman/indian man, and the other is healing indian woman/indian man...I mention their race as it is a factor of the novel.)
I guess it is difficult to switch between thought processes. Originally I was going to write about violence in Ceremony, but reading and writing about violence for two projects was too depressing.
I think it's more of a funk caused by actually reading Ceremony. The book deals a lot with older Laguna traditions and relationships with the earth...and I feel like that is something I really lack in my life and culture.
And I don't really know how to reconcile it. So I feel like I am retreating further away from it instead.
Really I need to reconcile my faith. I had a lot of time to think this summer, which brought up several questions I had that I was unable to answer, or didn't necessarily agree with. But now I have not dealt with them.

I don't feel overwhelmed. That is the weird part.
I feel like I am on top of all of my assignments...I don't feel like I'm struggling for time.
But something feels like it's missing.
I think what is missing is not religion but spirituality. And thinking.
And meditating.
And appreciating the little things in life.

We watched Amelie this weekend, and I LOVED IT. One of the scenes that I liked was where Amelie is watching a video of her life on the TV (juxtaposed with the death of Princess Diana) and the announcer says something to the affect of Amelie appreciating the little things in life. Like skipping stones.
The first thing that comes to my mind is hot chocolate on a warm day.
And riding my bike through the neighborhoods to tech. There is a particular tree that catches the light right off of boston in the mornings.

I was surprised today when I finished my essay on oral history for my South African class. I didn't expect to have it done until at least Wednesday, but I got it in one go this morning. I think I have come to terms that my most productive time is in the morning. It also surprised me when I woke up and it was still dark outside.

I was moved when I found a sticky note left on my computer that said "roar!" and some other things.

I was inspired when Glen and I were eating lunch together this afternoon. We were eating outside by Murray, and he pointed to a corner near where the sams place and dorm rooms intersect. Around the area was a cluster of red flowers, and he said that he liked the color palate--the reds of the flowers, the blue of the sky, the brick.

It has been a really beautiful day.

5 minutes a day...

everyday i'll be answering these three questions:

what surprised you?
what inspired you?
what moved you?

it kind of an exercise from this book i'm reading for a visual studies class. oh how i love visual studies classes. the book is titled, "spirituality in education." it's not about religion, but more about your soul and connecting to that part of you that you may have forgotten was there. becoming whole again.

My professor of Modern South Africa said that he realized how nerdy he was, because he walks into libraries, and says "ah! the smell of books. I am at home."

today is the most amazing day to be alive

back

i would thoroughly enjoy being back in the caprock on this fine tuesday. as opposed to the dean's suite of the college of education, where power structures are all too well apparent.

oh these boxes...

I am having such problems concentrating today, and feeling productive. I feel so spacey and my arms feel jittery.

Terri, I have an idea for you. I am reading an article for my honors thesis about crime in developing country. A strategy it mentioned for fighting crime through development projects is called Crime prevention through environmental design. This is really wordy and what I think it means is that the focus is on the dangerous locations, and not the dangerous people.
They were talking about maps, and how often, locals will point to areas on the map and tell you not to go there. I thought this would make an interesting art project, because I know you like maps, and it's weird how they can be used for so many purposes. I don't know if I am explaining myself correctly, but I am visualizing a map in which with many different drawings on it. Specifically, I am thinking of my San Jose map. In the nicer areas are big houses with the question "Do the Costa Ricans live in the big houses", that are followed by slums around the nicer areas, and stick people acting out their lives, from a homeless man sitting in the center of downtown San Jose, to tourists near the spots marked "tourist attractions", to a man holding a gun at a terrified girl, to a group of kids playing near their school.
I think it would be an interesting project.

If such a map was drawn, I would like to use it for my Honors Thesis, I think.

today

has felt so good! i love living at woodscape so much! nicaraguan coffee makes me super spazzy. LOVE!

I feel too close to everything

I drank tea, woke up, talked to Terri for a long time instead of "being productive", translated a part of Jose Marti's "Nuestra America" (not fun, sucked the life force out of me), read about the geography of the middle east, and am now transcribing a lecture Dr. Batra recorded about Caribbean drama.
I am feeling so inspired!

I wanted to make a list of things I would like to do so that I don't forget. Here they are.
1. Have a story telling night. I once sat in a tipi with my classmates and told stories around a fire. I feel like the living room will do just fine.

2. Go to a play. Dr. Batra told me that in other parts of the world plays are often used as a medium to bring about social change. Here they are used more as a form of entertainment for those who can afford the ticket prices.

bah penny whistles!

http://www.harpanddragon.com/pennywhistles.htm