I came to this blog wanting to write, but not knowing the words. I have so many thoughts filling my brain that I feel chocked. I've retreated to my apartment for the day, brooding. But I don't want to think. I've been dealing with a lot of difficult issues lately, and they are exhausting.
My thoughts based off of the stories I have been reading and research I have been conducting.
All it is has to do with violence.
Violence can really weigh a person down.
It can overwhelm them. It literally can. I've been reading A Memory, A Monologue, A Rant, and A Prayer edited by Eve Ensler, and I feel as if my zest for life is diminishing. Only slightly.
That is not what I want my words to do. I want to write about these HARD issues, but I don't want to give people this burden in which they HATE themselves, or feel guilty about the amazing life they have, because what we want is for EVERYONE to have that life.
It is okay if your life is great. That is what I want for you.
That is what I want for every person in this world. So if you are one of the people who already has it, how amazing. How beautiful. How blessed. Not lucky. Luck has nothing to do with it. You were born into your life for a reason, and love that reason. Don't hate it. Don't wish it were another way, because why would you want that other way? Why would you want the violence, the poverty, the hate? The people living in violence, in poverty, in hate, would not wish that on you, so do not wish it upon yourself.
I've slipped out of my routine. I've practiced oboe every night since Sunday. I usually practice once a week. I've been writing more. Reading more. Thinking more.
Spending time with Terri more.
I have no idea what I was doing with my time before this.
I want to just pour myself into music. I feel like I can think less when I play. Maybe this isn't healthy, but words can get so overwhelming. I feel like I need a different medium right now.
Terri and I were talking the other day about how stretched we feel. We are both very busy with many things, but we LOVE all of those things we are doing. But because of the time commitments they all require are never able to be "great" at them.
We decided maybe we aren't meant to be great. Maybe in order to do one of those things, we need to be doing all of them.
Wednesday, November 4, 2009 | ramble by Anonymous at 4:55 PM |
I suppose this could be a prayer
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2 insight(s):
Dear Laura,
Thank you for writing this.
I sympathize so much with being overwhelmed by thoughts. I think when we feel exhausted from thought, we need to rest from it, just as we would physically.
We read a poem in Caswell's class called "Traveling Through the Dark". There is a line in it that consistently occurs to me lately: "I thought hard for us all". I feel that choosing to think about and explore life's difficult questions and issues is an extremely brave thing to do. I also agree with you that when they are conveyed through a medium, whatever it is, it is best to do it in as hopeful a manner as possible. To think about these things... I believe these thinkers are trying to find solutions, or if not solutions, ways to cope. And it's usually an incredibly painful journey, but I think it's better to not only give others an awareness of the problem, but a solution, or hope for a solution at least.
"It is okay if your life is great. That is what I want for you.
That is what I want for every person in this world... Luck has nothing to do with it. You were born into your life for a reason, and love that reason."
I feel considerably better about all of my guilt since reading that. As I was reading, sort of like waiting for the tonic in music, my mind filled in "how lucky." I'm so grateful for your insight that it is not lucky, that it is as it is for a reason.
I believe pouring yourself into music and letting go of your conscious thoughts for a while is a very healthy thing to do. Music unites the mind and body, and allows us to be whole as a person, and whole in the moment, I think. It might be unhealthy if it was sought as a permanent escape, but I doubt that's why you play music. It sounds more like a way of resting to me.
"We decided maybe we aren't meant to be great. Maybe in order to do one of those things, we need to be doing all of them." So beautiful, Laura.
Also. It was a beautiful prayer.
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