Ok so this might be kind of out there… wherever there is.

So I feel like I had a turning point in my life yesterday. I don’t know why, how or even what but I definitely know that something really big changed.

I have felt weird since the night before last and it stayed yesterday I just felt completely different than I had ever felt before. I was lying in my bed and I felt very detached from the rest of the world, from even being a person. I didn’t really feel alive. I didn’t feel dead but if alive was a line then I think I was the line above it. I couldn’t really feel my body and none of my senses were really effecting me. I felt something but it was as if it was a sense that we don’t have. I was so completely relaxed that nothing could have bothered me. I really mean that too, nothing could have possibly bothered me. I felt like I was out of my mind and body and was somewhere I couldn’t understand. I didn’t know where I was, I mean I knew I was in my room but I really wasn’t, I was really far away.

It was a really nice feeling and I still feel it somewhat. I kind of wondered if I accidentally meditated or something. It was kind of like I somehow slipped out of time and space. I wonder if that is what it’s like to do drugs.

Everything that we worry about and get caught up in just seems very trivial to me. I don’t want to live mindlessly and keep myself constantly busy without knowing what I’m doing. I don’t want to live by our societal standards and obsess over my appearance, social life, possessions, and status. I don’t exactly know what the answers are but I think the way we live, as a society, definitely deserves some rethinking. I don’t really feel like one way or another is the right or wrong way to live or think but I do think it is different for everyone and I don’t understand why we all try to mold ourselves into a set standard. For a country that places so much value on individualism and freedom we sure all can be a lot alike. Shouldn’t we be defined by our thoughts and personalities more than by our appearances and material possessions? We are not really encouraged to think for ourselves, that is never advertised, but why would since you can’t market thought. Maybe we aren’t supposed to think for ourselves because if we did we would all realize the things wrong in the world and would want to change them. The people in charge probably wouldn’t like not getting to do what is best for them anymore.

Changing things involves time and effort and generally doesn’t make anyone money. It takes you our of your comfort zone and causes you to think about things other than yourself and doing what makes you happy. From a young age we are preached to do what makes you happy and that seems to always be the goal, to be happy, make yourself happy, but I don’t really understand the draw to self-satisfaction. What is so great about being happy? What is so great about constantly worrying about yourself and trying to find that temporary high? Why not think outside ourselves and try to make a positive change? I honestly feel like if we stopped trying to force happiness upon ourselves constantly it would take care of itself.

Life can get so complicated and it just really amazes me how. How can things possibly be so hard? I refuse to believe that life has to be this way and I want to think differently. I don’t understand being mad at people, holding grudges, having regrets, worrying, and not being able to forgive. I wish everyone would just chill out and relax. What are we so worried about anyways? Everything will be alright or it won’t and if it won’t then what’s the big deal? Why are bad things bad? I don’t think they are. What’s the worst that could happen? Death? What’s so bad about dying?

I don’t know if that made any sense at all and I know that it was all very scattered and I should probably elaborate on a lot of the things I was thinking for them to make sense, so I apologize. I just don’t understand a lot of things… well pretty much everything really. I have a lot of questions.

So I was reading this book called Mapping the Terrain. It’s a book about the history of public art told by the influential artists of the time. I really love how art can be used to create a positive change in people’s lives and in the world. This quote really made a lot of sense to me and is what I have felt but could never say so eloquently:


To search for the good and to make it matter: this is the real challenge for the artist. Not simply to transform ideas or revelations into matter, but to make those revelations actually matter.

-Estella Conwill Majoza